Tinker

In an effort to connect with Oklahoma, I decided to join a stitchalong.

The Air Force Base where my husband is currently stationed is named for Clarence Tinker. I started studying him because I was pissed off that we were sent here instead of England and I wanted to know more about the man behind the name. Tinker was actually fairly interesting and admirable. He was the first Native American Major General in the United States Army. You can read more about him here if you like.

I tried to use a variety of stitches in the less detailed parts of the portrait to add texture and interest. My new favorite stitch is the bullion stitch I used for the shirt button.

The blue-gray areas are more bullion stitch. Tutorial here.

In case you can't tell by all of the photographs, I am really proud of this.

After all, I am a sucker for a man in uniform.

Caw! Caw!

Caw! Caw!, originally uploaded by alexcateye.

I know that I've been told not to use the term "gay for" as a perjorative on this blog before, but I won't be censored. I support the rights of gay people to serve in the military. Really, aren't we all just gay for eagles?

(What I mean is that military service is an expression of love and devotion to a country, personal love relationships have no bearing.)

You can see more pictures at my other blog: meetmeinthedayroom.wordpress.com.

Spinning Floss

I've been dying and spinning embroidery floss for my latest projects. I've been using a tightly wound single. This allows me to twist the fiber tighter or looser depending on the effect I'm trying to achieve. I've had a lot of fun experimenting with dyes.

If you want to see some of my handspun in (embroidery) action, check out my Art Therapy blog.

Meet Me in the Dayroom

I updated my other blog, Self-Guided Art Therapy. I'm still not sure which posts belong here and which belong there. I don't want to repeat myself too much, but if you are interested in my fiber art, the new blog is where it's at. I think of Knit-R-Done as a craft blog.

The best thing would be to subscribe to both blogs. I'm just saying.

My latest piece is Lithium. I hope you like it.

Not a quilt anymore, it's a pillow.

I finished the piecing for my camouflage quilt top. I decided that I'd rather have a giant, huggable pillow than a tiny quilt. The pocket is for love letters. The pink words are the lyrics to "Stand by your man." The center of a log cabin square represents the hearth. Military wives are left behind to tend those fires. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...

I'm washing and blocking the needlework right now. I'll stuff it tonight.

I'm proud of this piece. Maybe it's more craft than art, but it's something that can be part of my life and live in my house.

May Cause Drowsiness

I don't think of my years of medication as bad years. Medications can be confusing. Side effects are irritating. Drowsiness sometimes feels like chemical restraints--a straight jacket in a bottle.

The worst years of my life were the unmedicated ones. I'm not saying that I didn't take any drugs in my mid twenties, I just refused to fill prescriptions. Alcohol, weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms, LSD...I'd take anything to get away from reality.


I'm seeing life much more clearly these days. I'm not ashamed of the orange bottles that are always a part of my life. Instead of "may cause drowsiness," I see, "may prevent loss of relationships." I don't take them with alcohol because I don't need alcohol to blind my pain.

A lot of people see psychotropic medications in the same light as street drugs. I don't. A sick person doesn't usually know which antibiotic she needs and I don't know what chemicals my brain needs.

Besides, I'm married to a cop now. I live on a military base. I have a family. I'm a grownup. I'll keep dealing with psychiatrists, prescriptions, side effects, and therapy. I'm never giving up.

Effexor

My relationship with Effexor is complicated. It's harder to explain than my relationship with my ex husband. Every benefit came with a price.

16" by 9" cotton and rayon floss on printed cotton background

My first year on Effexor was the only time I ever felt sane. I don't mean zombie-like. I don't mean beige and bland. I didn't feel like a robot. I was sane. I could get out of bed in the morning and want to be alive. I could enjoy watching my daughter's ballet class. I felt my husband's love without insecurity. I made plans. I made friends. I got married again. I smiled sometimes. It was great.

Then the symptoms started. Brain shivers--dizzy spells so severe and sudden that they feel like an electrical shock--started coming throughout the day. It was weird, but worth it. I wasn't depressed. Within 9 months, taking a dose a few hours late caused painful withdrawal symptoms: nausea, muscle aches, night sweats, panic. After a year I started getting these symptoms, even when I took my dose on time. I was strung out and upset.

Then a routine liver test came back elevated. The evil drug was destroying my liver. I had to discontinue. Goodbye, clarity. Goodbye, sanity. Goodbye brain shivers.

I still haven't found anything that works like Effexor did in the beginning. Every other antidepressant known to work on the neurotransmitter norepinephrine (like Effexor) has given me some relief (as Effexor did), but has destroyed my liver (the same way Effexor did.) This means I can't take any of the drugs that can relieve my depression.

I'm not 100% depressed anymore, but I'm still not 100% better. I'm working hard to get well. That's something.

More Self-Imposed Art Therapy

I'm starting a new series.

I've always been intrigued with medicine. I was put on antidepressants for the first time when I was 11. Dr. Roach gave me a bottle of shiny, candy-like pills that promised happiness and normalcy. They didn't work, but I slept all day and didn't care about my sad little life anymore.

I've been through many pills since then. I'm finally ready to explore my feelings about the hope and disappointment of medications.

So many promises broken.

This piece is 10" by 14", cotton and metallic thread on a printed background. I wanted to mimic the feel of thick acrylic paint. I wanted the grainy look of brushstrokes and the swirl of melting colors. I'm really enjoying this technique.

Guts

I burned out on the human internal organs embroidery last year. Then I burned out on the weaponry. I consider this a happy medium.

14" by 16", cotton and metallic thread on printed cotton background.

Mmm...guts.

I honestly have no idea what my Godzilla obsession is about. But now that I've done this, ideas are coming back to me. I'm inspired to stitch. I have great things ahead.

Closeup of "skin." (French knots)

Touched by Human Hands

Look at what my baby made me in church today. It's a sheep! It's the prettiest, smartest, most perfect Christmas gift ever in the whole history of all time. Ever.

She made it with her beautiful little hands.

I sent out David's Christmas package last week. I knit him a bunch of stuff. The kids drew pictures. I foolishly fell in love with a shiatsu massage pillow in Bed, Bath, and Beyond and bought him one. (I broke off the pillow affair before Bed, Bath, and Beyond could file for a restraining order. Ooh, it's so nice.)

There is a little flap over the moving parts that adjusts the depth of the massage. Not one to leave well enough alone, I decided to put my touch on it. I didn't print out a font or anything. I wanted my own handwriting on it. It's 100% wool felt with cotton floss.

It's such a joy to give and receive gifts touched by human hands.

In response to Marissa from my last post... You're right, my husband is a gentleman. That's why I fell in love with him. David's kindness gave me faith in mankind that I didn't have until I met him. I guess "redneck" wasn't the right word. I should have said "hero." Thank God for heroes and gentlemen.

This is my gun...

Have you ever read Written on the Body, by Jeanette Winterson? The first line of the novel is, "Why is the measure of love loss?"

Would I have known how much I love my husband if he hadn't been taken away from me? Would I long to know every aspect of him? Would I take him for granted? Would I push away his hands rather than lie awake at night thinking of the strength and warmth in them?

Here is the M9. He wears it strapped to his thigh. Power and awe. Love and longing.

I am terrified of guns, spiders, snakes--anything too dangerous. David handles things that terrify me. He isn't afraid of anything.

He is confident that our love will survive.

I'm not sure if this is blackwork or redwork. Maybe it's both.

This is my rifle...

My husband is always on my mind. I want to understand him. I want to know every aspect of him. I think of him at work in Korea--the David I don't know. He's tough and cocky. He wears camouflage and sunglasses. He rocks a beret. He is handsome and dangerous. He smells like gun oil, wool, and sweat.

He uses two types of gun on patrol: the M9 and the M4.

The machine gun is slung casually across his chest like a guitar. He rarely pays much attention to it. I want to know every curve of the metal. I imagine his strong, masculine hand resting on the stock as he checks identification.

His jaw is set differently when he is working. He's quiet and fierce. He can chew gum like it's a weapon.

I love my David. He's the first cop I ever saw as a person rather than an annoyance. The things he does are beautiful because they are a part of him, even if I don't fully understand.



M4 Rifle: wool, cotton, silk, mohair, metallic fiber on canvas
measures 8 by 12 inches before finishing

Look for the M9, coming soon.

I'm Knitting a Halloween Costume, Sorta

It's Socktoberfest! I came up with a perfect sock for my husband. What else can you knit for your hero but cartoon colored hosiery?

The socks are so big. Why do men have such huge, wide feet? I used some self-striping Regia with yellow contrast. I'm embroidering the crest on with duplicate stitch. I found the chart on Ravelry, but I'm too lazy and tired to look it up now. Search for "Superman Knit Chart," and you'll find it right away.

Duplicate stitch is fun.

• David is my hero. Even before he was in the military, he was a firefighter and an EMT. He has a strong need to serve the community and do what is right, good, and helpful.
• David has patient sea blue green eyes that don't judge. He listens. He tilts his head in this affectionate way when he watches me knit and tells me how happy he is to see me counting stitches on the sofa.
• David was in the basement when I got the phone call that my brother had died. He was upstairs holding me before I even understood what happened. He held me for 8 solid hours that day, then for the next week after that.
• David picks me up when I feel like the worst mother on the planet. He believes in my parenting skills more than I do.
• David would eat anything I cooked, no matter how terrible. Even if I burn dinner. Even if I add a toxic amount of salt to the vegetables. He will eat anything I make him with a smile. (Gotta love a career military man.)
• David loves me and I am a hot mess.

Happy Socktoberfest! My hero needs a second sock! I only have a few days to finish these to make sure he has a bit of Halloween. It won't be the same sugar-induced coma without him.

Does this make sense outside the military?

As part of my War and Piecework series, I am designing uniform patches. When I asked my husband what he'd like put on a badge, his first response was, "Shut up and color." I am really inspired to run with this. I'm depressed. I miss my husband. My feelings about the Air Force are really complicated right now.

More cool badge/patch links:

Stabbed great merit badges for stages of a woman's life

I'd Tell You, But a book with declassified US military badges

I'm hoping to elevate blurry, unblocked, wrinkled, poorly-lit needlework photos to an artform. The trend started here.

K is for Korea

Here is my latest embroidery piece. The orange blob is South Korea.

Embroidery mimics the life of military wife. Embroidery is patient. We plod along with the little details, keeping the big picture in mind.

Tidbit: when I talk to anyone wearing camouflage, I space out and see pictures in the patches of green and black, much like staring at clouds. I see a tucan and a bunny in this camo I traced off David's BDU.

Plugging Along

I'm working on some big projects. I've got some embroidery work going that is deeply meaningful and cathartic.

I am using leftover sock yarn for needlepoint canvas. The piece measures 8.5 inches by 7.5 inches, yet I've only used a tiny bit of sock leftovers.

I'm hoping that using scraps of the yarns that warm our feet will tie this piece of military wife therapy together.

I will post photos of the final vision when I finish.

I'm also finishing a quick pair of Endpaper Mitts. I am using even more sock yarn. My yarn stash may be whittled down a bit before I go to England.